Throughout, I have been an individual who is immune to romantic love. Perhaps my queer identity is one of the "obstacles," but perhaps more importantly, it is my instinctive criticism of traditional romantic love scripts. The romantic love scripts referred to here not only refer to the heterosexual myths under the patriarchal social structure, capitalism, and consumerism, but also include the "imitation" of heterosexuality that is still common in non-heterosexual relationships, and even include the exploration of extreme diversity in queer culture. In the past decade or so, during which I have developed abstract thinking ability and the possibility of love, I may have read some love theories that I agree with, but I still find it difficult to find a love script that I can directly relate to, and because of this disconnection, I further question and redirect my identity.
I used to think that non-binary panromantic asexual would be a relatively stable landing point because it describes my state for a considerable period of time, but I vaguely feel that this is not the end. What will the end be? Will it be safe to return to the role of heterosexuality and become part of the mainstream? Or is it to give up the possibility of entanglement with others and become a void outsider?
Do I need sex? Will I enjoy sex? Under what circumstances will my body react to refresh my self-awareness? I am undoubtedly curious. Since we know that Descartes' mind-body dualism is absurd, will the interaction between bodies bring deeper self-love? At the same time, how will I accommodate the "other"? If accepting the other is considered love, but at the same time, differences mean contradictions, and contradictions mean class struggle, how can love and desire achieve a harm-free balance?
In any romantic love script, individuals assume established roles and practice gender performances that are widely recognized in specific groups, or not just gender performances, but performances of any identity and the intersectionality between them. And when I can't find a script that belongs to me and lack the motivation to write a new script alone, practice becomes even more difficult to talk about. Will there be another script that wrote a few rough outlines and found my rudimentary notes? I don't know. Or will I usher in a brand new youth and have a safe new script written for me with delayed hormones?
Until the moment love happens, I still maintain an unadorned ignorance. My counselor asked me, do you mind if he dates someone else? Do you want to date someone else? I thought, is it about dating culture and exclusivity again? Maybe I, as an Easterner, don't think about it that way. However, I still went out on a date with someone else. Every conversation that was forced or reluctantly catered to made me start to miss the shared space with him, a space that was accepted, encouraged, cared for, and could expand infinitely. I started to want to talk to someone about this surprising discovery, but found myself falling back into the choice of scripts. I picked and chose, expressed some feelings inarticulately, accepted blessings and comments, but also realized the limitations and exploitation in them. The parts that do not conform to the script are considered urgent problems to be solved, but they may be the lovely parts of the relationship.
One of my professors really likes to emphasize improvisation in psychotherapy, where the establishment of a relationship between the therapist and the visitor relies on the acceptance of the unknown. In clinical work, I am always willing to provide enough mental space for visitors to support our exploration, but at the same time, I also long to achieve a two-way improvisation in private life without established professional boundaries. Forget about his script, I want a life that has not been lived by others. When I allow myself to enter the risk of improvisation, rewards also appear. I told him, if we had met earlier, and you were still you, and I was more or less me, I would definitely run away before establishing any relationship. I dislike well-written scripts, but I lack the courage to participate in improvisation. How early is this "early"? Perhaps it is any time earlier than when we met.
To maintain subjectivity in a romantic love full of traps, it requires so much unavoidable self-reflection, tolerance for temporary discomfort, a lot of courage and luck, and even blind trust in fate. Sometimes life is a lie, but love is enveloping me at this moment. When physical contact temporarily disappears due to the stretching of space, the brain continues the vitality of love.
3/17/2024
On the plane from Paris to San Francisco